I don't know why, but when I run, I can't just run; run if I see another runner. I must compete. I must beat them. I must conquer them unmercifully, reducing said runner to an abject object devoid of human value clinging to the despair of the only thing they have left in life - their defeat at my ruthless, Machiavellian, super-human display of fitness.
That's how my world is supposed to work. The reality is that it is usually I who have been reduced to an insecure, fragile, limping, gasping de-evolutionized remnant of the human race (pun intended, get it - race?).
Here's an example. Please take a few moments to examine this picture and then we'll discuss and interpret the sequence of events:
The red line represents my route, going north on SW 81st. I'm near the end of my run, I've pushed myself, I'm wheezing with a touch of asthma, but I'm going to finish good. For me. Which means I'm not going to die, at least not today.
As I approached SW Ross, a runner maybe 20 years my junior (I'm 48, she looked to in her 20's) turned left in front of me. She is represented by the blue line.
I kept my pace, she kept hers; and it was clear that I was gaining on her and would shortly pass her. All of a sudden, she threw down! What! This is just a Saturday morning run for crying out loud. But no, she clearly challenged me. Well, bring it on sister.
I picked my pace, and like a Indy car gathering speed the mitochondria kicked in, lactic acid was put on hold; and my body became a Kreb's cycle machine. Deep, satisfying breaths filled the lungs with a power source like avaiation gas in a top fuel dragster. I strode out, my powerful legs kicking up chunks of asphalt as the constraints of a physical universe began to wane under my dominion. As I ran, a noise like a machine gun filled the air. Puzzled for a moment, I realized that the air displaced by my expanding calves was creating small, subsonic shock waves - bangbangbangbangbangbang.
I knew within a few moments she would be in shock and awe of my athletic prowess. Suddenly, a new threat emerged - around the corner from 80th ave 3-4 sauntering teenage boys turned onto 81st (represented by the olive arrow). Now, I was beginning to fade just a bit from my energy expenditure to pass the runner. But, faced with teenage boys there was no way I could back off.
I stretched my powerful pectoral muscles and plunged into the wind. Like the bow of an aircraft carrier moving the ocean aside, the air parted before me not unlike the ripples you would see in the water. The green X then represents the convergence of events, where I passed the runner and the teenagers passed me.
Gentle reader, that's the fantasy I had in my mind. In reality, if we cut to the skycam; it probably went something like this:
Announcer 1 "Gene, what is that guy doing? A middle aged runner, belly swinging back and forth as he's trying to pass that gal who could squash him in a seconed?". Announcer 2 - "Well Tony, not only that but look at him gasping for breath - he's an asthma attack on wheels!" Announcer 1 - "look at him now! The emergence of those teenagers is making him crazy - I think he's trying to impress them!". Announcer 2 - "this doesn't look good at all - should I call 911 now?"
Yeah, it was pathetic. Thankfully though, I had an ace up my sleeve - the last corner to my house was coming up. If I just made it around the corner, I could slow to a walk and hopefully she would not witness my dismal appearance. I got to the corner still pumping hard, rounded the corner, and almost threw up.But I beat her.
