Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

• "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
• "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
• "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
• "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
  
  HT to Ben Witherington

MMmmm - Enchiladas!

We had enchiladas the other night. Not just any enchiladas, but Sherry's special recipe. I won't share all of the details, but we have gotten many requests for the recipe and Sherry has been invited as a guest of Martha Stewart to demonstrate how easy they are to make. However, her (Sherry's) time is filled with more important agenda items than placating Martha so she has had to turn her down.

But I digress. Sherry is getting pretty amazing in the kitchen, and even has been making Kadie's (Kadie is our beloved dog) dog food. Sherry has been convinced that commercial dog food makers have compromised canine quality and health and also have been found to be tied to Haliburton (this statement remains a rumor and is uncomfirmed).

Well, after our enchilada feast I put leftovers in a container for work the next day. There's something about enchiladas (and pizza) that creates a gastronomical delight after continuing to ferment overnight. The flavors tend to distribute throughout the substance of the food, tantalizing taste buds to excess.

All morning long I was anticipating enchiladas, and then - lunchtime! I put the leftovers into the microwave, let the magic rays caress my meal for a few minutes, and then almost salivating pulled the container out. Hmmm, thought I; these don't look like enchiladas. Then it hit me - I had grabbed a container of dog food! Now, the dog food Sherry makes is not the kind of stuff swept up from a butcher's floor. I knew it was chicken and..and...what is that? It was either very overcooked rice or mashed potatoes that were slightly less cooked. I took a fork and and sampled it, yecccch - very bland, still unconfirmed starchy substance clinging to the bits of chicken. I couldn't handle it.

Just as a colleague entered the kitchen area, I turned and scooped all of it into the trash. He looked at me kind of funny and I felt I needed to qualify - "it's OK, I said - it's just my wife's cooking". He looked startled, and I realized I needed to qualify my qualification - "what I mean to say is that my wife's cooking is dog food".

He looked even more startled. I gave up.

Valentine's Day 2006

Happy Valentine's Day honey! This year for Valentine's Day I took Sherry to a favorite place of ours, the Surfsand Resort at Cannon Beach here in Oregon for an overnight trip. It's usually a gamble at the northern Oregon coast as to the weather in February, but we were treated to a spectacular day. It was calm and as the afternoon wore on, the high clouds were eviscerated of their hold on the day and the sun came out beckoning man and beast (every single dog owner in Portland was at the beach that day, including us) to frolic in the warm winter wonderland.

I overheard a woman say to her companion (referring to the sand) "...it's so light and fluffy, and then down by the ocean it gets harder".

(crickets chirping)

As we checked in, in an unusual self display of assertiveness I relayed that I was disappointed with their website, noting that the workflow led me directly to the rack rate. Now, if there is anything I despise more than paying rack rate at a hotel, I cannot think of it. Give me a discount for early check in, late check in, grey hair, owning a Ford Ranger, anything - but give me a discount. "Well", said the helpful attendant; "that shouldn't have happened". After a chat with the manager and an apology to me, our room rate was slashed by 50%! Thank you very much.

After a few hours on the beach, it was still a skosh too early for dinner but pretty late for lunch. We opted for a late lunch at the Lumberyard and although the service was poor the food was fantastic. I would go again.

Here's a pic of my two favorite gals:

Here's Kadie posing for the camera. If you look closely you will see that she has caught her prey and is guarding it carefully between her paws. Tennis balls with a little beach sand never tasted so good!

The next morning (Monday) we again ventured down to the beach, but it was a vastly different scenario - the wind had picked up, the temperature had dropped probably 10 or more degrees (it is difficult to tell as the wind chill certainly brings a subjective element to the estimating). The clouds reclaimed their status on the sky, and we could only stay out for about an hour as even GoreTex could not subdue the chill. But we know what would. Descending on to that fine Northwest cuisine destination like seagulls to scraps, Pig-N-Pancake welcomed us with open arms and we left satiated with syrup-laden breakfast foods.

On the way home, Highway 26 snakes through the coast range and coming around a corner, we saw a lit flare on the side of the road. Decelerating, we passed a few more flares until what looked like an accident scene came into view. The cars in front of us were slowing down, and an officer was walking the shoulder looking intently into the forest. Our hearts beat faster - what had his rapt attention? Perhaps a fugitive, a modern day Rambo about to spring onto the highway from his forest abode? Suddenly, the officer stood upright and our hearts beat even faster as we saw movement in the woods - emerging into sight, it was indeed a fugitive - a large calf, probably weighing about 400 - 500 lbs, made its way to the shoulder of the road. Now, what do YOU do when you see a cow on the side of the road from a moving car?

Yes, I was strongly tempted to "MOOOoooo" but I don't think the officer would have been amused!

Where is the corkscrew?

We went over to Charlie and Jill's house Friday night for poker. There is never a shortage of laughter with these guys, and Sherry and I adore them. We brought a bottle of wine, but they are not wine drinkers and did not have a corkscrew.

Charlie is one of those guys who can fix anything. He and Jill took a beat up old fixer upper house and transformed it into a stunning display of blending of old craftsman and new interior design.

No corkscrew? No problem. Charlie goes into the garage, comes back with a wood screw and a cordless 18 volt Bosch drill. "RRRrrrrr" says the drill as it imbeds the screw into the cork. "Woomp" says the cork as with the assistance of a pair of pliers it is wrested from it's snug abode. "Gurggle" goes the wine as it is poured into glasses, and a good time was had by all.

You might go to a redneck church if...

Hat tip to Robbin. You might be going to a redneck church if:

1. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in thechurch directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo) from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

And finally, you might be going to a redneck church if the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy!

What's in a song?

Matthew Johnson posts at BHT that

"..this morning we kicked off a revamped early service that's a little more interactive and definitely more upbeat/younger when it comes to worship songs. That's both good and bad. Check out the lyrics to one song we sang. Tell me if it is about Jesus. I can't tell".

The song he is referring to is "Deeply in love with you" by Kate Spence.

Does Matthew have a point? Let's look at the lyrics:

In my life, You've heard me say I love You
How do I show You it's true
Hear my heart it longs for more of You
I've fallen deeply in love with You

You have stolen my heart
I'm captivated by You
Never will You and I part
I've fallen deeply in love with You

You and I together forever
Nothing can stand in the way
My love for You grows stronger each new day
I've fallen deeply in love with You

©1998 Kate Spence (Admin. by Here To Him Group, LLC)All rights reserved. International copyright secured.CCLI song #2583596

OK, maybe he has a point. it's a little vague and could be applied to different scenarios. But now look at lyrics in this song:

I can't stop the feeling I've been this way before
But, with you I've found the key
To open any door
I can feel my love for you
Growing stronger day by day

Is this love that I'm feeling
Is this the love that I've been searching for
Is this love or am I dreaming
This must be love
Because it's really got a hold on me, a hold on me

Now that's a great Christian song, right? Wrong.

Well, Song #2 certainly has similar lyrical themes - in fact, it was written before Kate's song so it makes me wonder if it perhaps influenced her? Was she a rocker in 1989? Was she at a Whitesnake concert and moved by David Coverdale tossing his long mane of blond and then moved by the Psalms of King David at a time of Christian conversion?

The Whitesnake song certainly wasn't written to bring glory to God, and that's what I believe is Matthew's beef. Kate's song is just generic enough that it's meaning could be changed based on the context it us used in. Therefore, the song becomes equivocal rather than univocal. If the song can be used in a church service, sung at a wedding, listened to on aisle 5 whilst selecting a cantaloupe then has it really distinguised and glorified God? I think not.

I'm privilged to be at a church that uses contemporary worship songs but they are chosen with great care. Once in a while something may come across the bow that may be somewhat like Kate's song, but in the context of our worship services you never, ever wonder who the focus of the song is about.

That's why I love words - they are so important, yet so fragile and easily misunderstood by the meanings we pour into them and the context in which they are used.

The poet John Donne had a life filled with advancements to greatness and then plunges into valleys of defeat. He had an amazing mind though, and his writing is reveals his relationship with God. For example, look at this selection. I don't think there is any ambiguity as to the object of his affection. If my life were a book, I hope the chapters reveal this kind of clarity not only of my love for, but my struggles with; Jesus Christ the Lord:

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend

Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town, to another due,

Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;

Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,but is captived,
and proves weak or untrue.

yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,

But am betrothed unto your enemy.

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;

Take me to you, imprison me, for I,

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor even chaste, except you ravish me.

Now that's good writing! No ambiguity there, is there? Would that all of our songs have this kind of communication (from Holy Sonnett XIV, "Batter my heart oh three-personed God").

Seeking the Unfriendly Seekers

So, I'm approaching our church on Sunday - walking through the parking lot in the rain with my head down, I noticed a license plate frame that had some cute little saying like:

Angels are watching over me

Aww, isn't that cute? I had to pause though to ponder the meaning - was it supposed to purport that image of a delicate little angel wearing diapers helping a birdie meant to represent the fragility of the human race? Or, should it raise the visage of the archangel Michael, sword drawn and refelecting the light of God from the polished blade ready to strike at the enemy (if I had a custom license plate frame about angels it would probably say something like "my guardian angel beat up your guardian angel".


Well, as I got closer to the church yet another customized license plate frame came into view. This one though had no pretense of "churchianity" and did not care that it's driver was worshiping in a house of God. It simply said:

Kiss my A$$

Well, none of the church staff will admit that it is their car. Perhaps it is yours?!?!

Search results from Google you don't want to see

I've enjoyed relatively good health until recently, and rarely availed myself of the service of my Primary Care Physician, Dr. Thomas Firth. He's an awesome doctor, and has been the only one I've seen in my 26 years in Portland, albeit on a pentagonal schedule! I suppose then 5 visits is not too much, but hey - I like the guy.

The net result is that I never know his phone number and have to look it up. Dr. Firth practices at Providence Hospital, so into google typed I the following search criteria:

providence thomas firth

The very first result said this:

The defendant, Thomas Firth (Firth), stands convicted on one count of first-degree murder by a Providence County Superior Court jury.

It seems the good doctor has and evil doppleganger! I'll confess my heart skipped just a teeny beat. But let me reassure you, the Thomas Firth I know would never roll into a convenience store parking lot in an old beater station wagon and blow away the victim with a shotgun. I hope!